Changed
I have been missing from here. Honestly, for the last month or so I said I would write but some how never did it. Tonight I decided I had to start back writing... it is my release. I think... no I know... that I have been putting it off because I promised myself I would write this post first. And I was not sure how to write it. What to say... what not to say... how to say it... and a piece of me does not know why I want to say it here at all. I guess because it is a part of my happiness... and love actually. Recent events have changed me. I don't fully know how yet.
On July 6th, 2012 my friend and daughter's father committed suicide. My heart still hurts about this. Not only because of how it affects me, but how it affects my child. She was 9 years old. (She turned 10 at the end of July).
I spoke to him the day before and knew he was having a rough time, but thought it was just a bad day. I had no idea that 24 hours later he would be gone. The day of, we were joking back and forth about my daughter having to get a shot since she was starting 5th grade. I told him how a nurse told our daughter she was up to date on shots. Our daughter said she would take a shot she was not scared. A few minutes later the nurse realized she needed a shot and my child's face was priceless! She was like OH NO!! We had a good laugh about that and he said "She tries to be brave!" That is the last thing he ever said to me. And boy was it true.
Some times it is still surreal. But a lot of times I am hurt because he's gone. Because he decided to leave us. It was not an accident or a health issue, it was a choice. And I will be honest. It makes me mad some days. Sad other days. Mad because he made me a single parent. No more co-parenting. Mad because he made me tell a 9 year old her daddy died. Mad because our daughter is sad, hurt, mad, and most of all confused. Mad because I had to explain suicide and mental illness to my child. And every thing I listed also makes me sad. What makes me sad most of all... is that he did not know how much he was loved, admired, cherished. Sad because I had no idea things were that bad. Sad because I did not get to tell him one last time how much I appreciated him (something I did often), how proud I was of him being a few months from completing his JD and MBA. Sad because he did not truly understand how great he was despite his faults.
On July 6th, 2012 my friend and daughter's father committed suicide. My heart still hurts about this. Not only because of how it affects me, but how it affects my child. She was 9 years old. (She turned 10 at the end of July).
I spoke to him the day before and knew he was having a rough time, but thought it was just a bad day. I had no idea that 24 hours later he would be gone. The day of, we were joking back and forth about my daughter having to get a shot since she was starting 5th grade. I told him how a nurse told our daughter she was up to date on shots. Our daughter said she would take a shot she was not scared. A few minutes later the nurse realized she needed a shot and my child's face was priceless! She was like OH NO!! We had a good laugh about that and he said "She tries to be brave!" That is the last thing he ever said to me. And boy was it true.
Some times it is still surreal. But a lot of times I am hurt because he's gone. Because he decided to leave us. It was not an accident or a health issue, it was a choice. And I will be honest. It makes me mad some days. Sad other days. Mad because he made me a single parent. No more co-parenting. Mad because he made me tell a 9 year old her daddy died. Mad because our daughter is sad, hurt, mad, and most of all confused. Mad because I had to explain suicide and mental illness to my child. And every thing I listed also makes me sad. What makes me sad most of all... is that he did not know how much he was loved, admired, cherished. Sad because I had no idea things were that bad. Sad because I did not get to tell him one last time how much I appreciated him (something I did often), how proud I was of him being a few months from completing his JD and MBA. Sad because he did not truly understand how great he was despite his faults.
I think about him and what happened often. Every single day. The pain is reducing, but my questions still remain. I pray he found the peace he seeked. I hope his father welcomed him to heave with open arms. I pray they are both looking over us all, especially our daughter.
My father passed away when I was 24 and dealing with that was very hard on me. Took me a year or so to get past it. My whole life kind of spiraled almost out of control. I watched this happen to my daughter's dad the following year. And bf, now ex, a year or so after that. As a result of those experiences I have made every effort to help my child cope with this. From counseling to groups for kids who lost a parent. I pray that these things help her. But I know nothing will ever replace her father. She loves him so much and thinks he is the best dad ever. I hope she always feels that way.
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