Happiness & Love

Sometimes I say or type something before fully realizing how I feel. Today I told a friend how I am ready to remarry and want stability. Part of this is because of the recent events that have shifted my life off it's axis. The other part is because I am a serial monogamous. I put a lot into my relationships. It is frustrating to try to reduce this in the dating world. Even more frustrating to see how hard it is to just have a regular boyfriend - girlfriend relationship now a days. I have been doing so soul searching. Trying to decide how to deal with a fellow I like. Not sure how long I am willing to casually date him. I have known him 5 months. The last month or so the relationship has gotten more serious but he has not had the classic exclusive conversation. Which frustrates me because men try to have this with me on a second date! Meanwhile I have mentioned how he has not done this, in not so direct words, and still nothing. To me that means you do not want me in that way. So

I have been missing from here. Honestly, for the last month or so I said I would write but some how never did it. Tonight I decided I had to start back writing... it is my release. I think... no I know... that I have been putting it off because I promised myself I would write this post first. And I was not sure how to write it. What to say... what not to say... how to say it... and a piece of me does not know why I want to say it here at all. I guess because it is a part of my happiness... and love actually. Recent events have changed me. I don't fully know how yet. On July 6th, 2012 my friend and daughter's father committed suicide. My heart still hurts about this. Not only because of how it affects me, but how it affects my child. She was 9 years old. (She turned 10 at the end of July). I spoke to him the day before and knew he was having a rough time, but thought it was just a bad day. I had no idea that 24 hours later he would be gone. The day of, we were joking back an