Happiness & Love

2012 was a major roller coaster ride for me, but is ending on a high note Thank God!  In January my mother was in a bad car accident, she blacked out while driving. I had a great '82 Baby (30th birthday) vacation with my friends from college. I dealt with various lows and struggles personally. I evolved in many ways. Carlton's death in July. I had a great solo vacation at the beach. Car issues. I completed my Master's degree and received a job offer from a Fortune 500 company!  As 2012 draws to a close, I created my vision board for 2013.  I normally just write my goals down at the beginning of the year. 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. This year I was invited to a Vision Board party and really enjoyed creating one. "A vision board is a simple yet powerful visualization tool that activates the universal law of attraction to begin manifesting your dreams into reality." I love this idea and will do it yearly. Yesterday I had my daughter and ...

God use me... Use this life you gave me... I do not know what the future holds for me... But I know that there is a vision for my life... That is greater than my imagination can hold! I thank you in advance!

I woke up this morning wrapping my head around the fact that I was going to walk across the stage later this evening to receive my Master's degree. As excited as I am to complete the course work for this degree a piece of me was sad. This month my friend and father of my child would of graduated with a MBA and JD. We talked about how we did not plan to walk at graduation and rather relax after our hard work. After his death in July, I decided I would walk in my graduation. Partly to honor him, but also for our child to see. A few days ago his mother received both of his degrees in the mail from his school. It was a very touching moment. To see his hard work to pay off. To see what he worked hard for right there, but he is not here. Why... we will never know. It is kinda like the hard work pushed him to a point where he felt he could not handle any more. Or maybe the thought of succeeding in the next step in life was overwhelming. Either way he chose to end his life. And I know th...

I have been told by all my exes but the latest (maybe he will say it one day too) that I am the one that got away. I am not sure what that truly means other than they didn't appreciate and cherish me when they had me. Hell I even have my high school boy friend... yes 12+ years ago love... asking for another chance. I noticed that as the months and years go by not only do I change but what I desire, accept, and dislike changes. So for most of my exes a second chance is not even an option. But recently I find myself wondering if a certain ex and I can have restored love. Due to events in both of our lives in the last year our friendship has grown lately (yup, I have no problem being friends with exes). The sad part about this thought process is what caused us to stop being together in the first place. I am not sure if that is something to look past. It was so long ago.  It does not hurt or anything when I think about it, but the stuff happened. Deception, lies, and so much more. ...

"Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve" - Single Ladies by Beyonce "Many days I've longed for... Wanting you... Hoping for the chance to get to know you... For your touch, your feel, your essence." - LOVE by Musiq

We all have had someone in our lives that makes our heart skip a beat... gives you butterflies... and makes you feel giddy like a kid again. I have someone in my life that does all of those. The issue is our lives. Between living in different states, jobs, family, and more we are limited in seeing each other in person much.  Since I am single (and he is too), I still date and get to know men. But can not lie... my heart wants to be with him. I am a big believer in God. I pray daily that he guides my steps and all my relationships. I pray for guidance in what to do as far as that connection. He could be the one. He could be in my life for a season to teach or show me something. Who knows! I'm just enjoying that giddy feeling when I see his name come across my phone and the joy in my heart when we speak.

I was looking for something in my email tonight and came across an old email I sent to myself. I am not sure if I used this in a blog or just emailed it to friends. Either way the words hit home for me again to day. Here's the email sent on 4/13/09 : I woke up Easter morning to the sound Joel Osteen's church service.  What he said really hit home for me, so I wanted to share with you! "  The only difference between being buried and being planted is the expectancy of what is going to happen next."      We all have situations we face that seem like they could bury us: the loss of a loved one, bad news concerning our health, a layoff, a divorce. The only difference between being buried and being planted is the expectancy of what is going to happen next. When something is buried, it's not coming back. But when something is planted, like a seed, it always comes back, producing more than what it originally was when it went into ground.   ...

Like Jay Z said "What the hell are you waiting for?" Over the last two weeks I have had several conversation with friends, male and female, about when they were (for some currently) dating someone who was not willing to commit... directly or indirectly. Committing meaning see each other exclusively and be boyfriend / girlfriend. Some of them realized this because the person gave them a BS excuse or avoided the conversation all together. While others told them that they were not ready to being exclusive or (my favorite) "I am not sure if we are there yet". Now I am the queen of not liking someone easily. I have had these conversations with guys after knowing them less than a week, on a second date, and after a few weeks. I am guilty of the BS excuses and saying that I or we were not ready for that. I can only think of one situation where I was seeing a guy for a month or more and I was not willing to commit to seeing only him. I was not willing to stop seeing oth...

The word strong... strength... are words I have heard most of my adult life as a description of myself. I remember the first time that I actually thought about this characteristic in dept. I was in the process of moving from Durham to Atlanta in early 2006. I graduated from undergrad a few months before and had decided it was time to move back to my hometown. A close male friend, who is also my daughter's Godfather, told me he knew I would be fine because "you are a strong person." I remember thinking about his words later that day. I wondered why he considered me a strong person and what made me one.  I realized that I did not consider myself strong... or even weak. I just did what I had to do. Last year I had a similar conversation with this same friend. This time I asked him why he felt this way. He spoke of times when I stepped up because I had to for myself or my child, but also time that I did this for friends. This conversation changed my view of the word. Over ...

Over the years I have realized that the hardest part of knowing what you want is the fact that you know what you want! The desire for it is so strong that things that are half of it or supplements of it are not enough. That's how I feel about relationships right now. I know what I want and that's what I want! Point blank period. No exceptions. I am not looking for casual dating, booty partners, confused grown ass men, none of that. I want to date for a reasonable amount of time and then become exclusive aka boyfriend and girlfriend. Then see where things go from there. I tell every guy who tries to talk to me that I am looking for a long term relationship. I notice that a lot of guys want to causally date or play the text message game. I don't have time or the desire for either. I actually really dislike dating. I am the type of woman who prefers relationships... let me clarify monogamous relationships. Once I've gotten to know a guy for a while and know I like him ...

"Dating more than anything is about compatibility. If your man is not compatible on basic levels: values, class, intelligence or common interests, the relationship won’t last. When you are dating someone you are compatible with there shouldn’t be a need to essentially change him through an upgrading process." From  Bene Viera said it best when she wrote the article, ‘ Is He Worth Upgrading ’:

Sometimes I say or type something before fully realizing how I feel. Today I told a friend how I am ready to remarry and want stability. Part of this is because of the recent events that have shifted my life off it's axis. The other part is because I am a serial monogamous. I put a lot into my relationships. It is frustrating to try to reduce this in the dating world. Even more frustrating to see how hard it is to just have a regular boyfriend - girlfriend relationship now a days. I have been doing so soul searching. Trying to decide how to deal with a fellow I like. Not sure how long I am willing to casually date him. I have known him 5 months. The last month or so the relationship has gotten more serious but he has not had the classic exclusive conversation. Which frustrates me because men try to have this with me on a second date! Meanwhile I have mentioned how he has not done this, in not so direct words, and still nothing. To me that means you do not want me in that way. So...

I have been missing from here. Honestly, for the last month or so I said I would write but some how never did it. Tonight I decided I had to start back writing... it is my release. I think... no I know... that I have been putting it off because I promised myself I would write this post first. And I was not sure how to write it. What to say... what not to say... how to say it... and a piece of me does not know why I want to say it here at all. I guess because it is a part of my happiness... and love actually. Recent events have changed me. I don't fully know how yet. On July 6th, 2012 my friend and daughter's father committed suicide. My heart still hurts about this. Not only because of how it affects me, but how it affects my child. She was 9 years old. (She turned 10 at the end of July). I spoke to him the day before and knew he was having a rough time, but thought it was just a bad day. I had no idea that 24 hours later he would be gone. The day of, we were joking back an...

To know better and just walk away Easier said, harder to do when I still think there’s hope For me and you Always hurts to never be put first If I’m last on your list, really what’s the worth? Keep me in fear asking you questions I don’t wanna hear the answers to Are you gonna crush my heart, cover me Cut me off, make your decision, boy Crush my heart, cover me Cut me off, make your decision Rock, paper, scissors Will it be rock, paper, scissors I don’t know what you’re feeling Will it be rock, paper, scissors Yeah yeah Someone should have told me I can’t compete With someone who is impossible to beat (I just don’t get it) Makes my heart beat but is killing me, Are the odds in my favor, don’t know Rock, paper, scissors Will it be rock, paper, scissors I don’t know what you’re feeling Lyrics to Melanie Fiona's song Rock Paper Scissors. Feels fitting for the situation with my last 'friend'. As much as I feel we could have something great, I won't know because I am not ...

A chance to get it right... I have battled with the desire to not do or deal with certain things while dating. The last time I was single was the summer to winter of 2009. I met my last ex in late November of that year. After ending a short re-cap of an old relationship with a college ex. After ending that I did my normal evaluation of the situation and what I should learn. I realized that I had stopped cherishing myself, especially my body. I decided that I would cherish myself more. Not having sex with a man until I was truly ready was a major part of that. The main way to accomplish this was to not put myself in situations where I would have the physical desire. I wanted the mental needs met first and foremost.  I was not happy with my sexual past. Not so much in who but why. I felt I did what others were doing or what seemed to be expected in the time frame of meeting a man to sex. I believe this behavior changed my view and even desire of sex. I wanted more from re...

One thing I know and understand is that no one is perfect. I have come to understand this mainly because of two things... being a parent and having been in love before. Being a parent has shown me how much my parents were simply human . They made mistakes, they attempted things that did not work, they tried to fix things that they could not, they lived life. I use to have parent issues. My father was not around after I was 3 or 4 due to his personal choice and battling drug & alcohol addiction. I learned as a teenager that part of the reason he stayed away was because my mother blocked his few attempts to contact us. Add to this that during my early teens my mother went through menopause. Hormones versus hormones caused our relationship to be rocky for many many years. Once I had my daughter my relationship with my mother improved and in 2006 I was reconnected to my father thanks to my cousins. Due to these changes I was able to face and fix the issues I had with my parents. ...

I came across the most amazing series of sermons on  Love, Sex, and Dating  yesterday. It really spoke to a few things I have had on my mind and heart lately. Even said  few statements I literally said recently.  It is a four part series and each part is about 45 mins or longer. I watched all of them yesterday plus another sermon by Andy Stanley. I will discuss the things that directly linked to my mindset lately. First was this quote / question:   Am I the person the person I am looking for is looking for?   This is deep but so simple at the same time. I found myself seeing that this was not the case with a guy I briefly dated two months ago. There were multiple things that were not "enough" for me. I realized that we were not a match and partly because he was not what I was looking for and he did not really have a specific thing he was looking for. I have discussed my self evolution on here before. I believe that those changes and the ones I am st...

How do you get out of a funk? I have various ways. The main one is writing, but sometimes I do not feel like putting the thoughts funk on a screen. I believe there is power in words. I often choose to not express the downside or bad moods unless I can put a positive spin into it. I think I will take a break from the city sometime in the next week or so. I love water, so I may drive to nearby lake to clear my head and emotions.

"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love... Ridiculous... inconvenient... consuming... 'can't live without each other'... love." One of my favorite quotes from one my favorite shows, Sex and the City.  Carries says it while explaining to The Russian why their relationship was not where she belonged. I have been feeling some type of way the last few days... It was a rough week in many ways. I decided to keep it low key for the Memorial Day holiday weekend. A little while ago  I had SATC on while working on a project for class. The American Girl in Paris Part 2 came on and Carrie said the above. It really hit home for me. That's me! Where I am at right now. After a failed marriage.... Relationship where I did not demand what I deserved.... A relationship that was comfortable but not real, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming love... And lots of dating... I know what I want (in general), but most importantly... I know what I do not want. And a...

One of my favorite songs is Donnell Jones' Where I Want To Be. It is partially because I have  had a huge crush on him. And because the song came out when I was a Senior in high school and the song described how I believed my boyfriend felt.  Often times in my adult life I listen to this song and relate to it as if I am the one singing it. Tonight is one of those nights. More so the chorus than the other parts. I miss being in relationship. I function better in relationships. I never have figured out why, but I do. I do not function well in chaos or dysfunction. At time dating can feel that way. I think the "stability" versus the "unsecured" environment. Hell I really do not know, but I do. Right now, I am struggling a bit with developing a relationship with someone when we do not live in the same state. Because of their current schedule our communications are limited. Both of these are things I am not use to dealing with. The distance is not as big of an ...

I had a conversation with some people at an event a few nights ago. I said something that I have said before, but this time worded it in a different way. It came out of a conversation where my new acquaintances realized I was divorced. The normal question followed... "Would you ever get married again?" I gave my normal PC answer which is "Yes, I believe in marriage and look forward to being married again." Surprisingly this comment was not followed by dumb comments or questions as usual. Sadly I normally get those type of responses from single or no where near married people. The follow up questions are normally "Wow I want to be married" or something random like that. This time the conversation led into why my marriage was not right for me and how I made a choice to be happy than to sit in unhappiness. The conversation participants were two males and another female. We shared our experiences on the topic of knowing when to end a relationship. That is wh...

Over the last 6 months I have been making changes in my life. Getting rid of people who are not positive or bring happiness to my life. Looking inside of myself to find what makes me happy, unhappy, irritated, and so on. I realized that God has put me in a rebuilding phase in my life and that it is not only career focused. One of the things I had to evaluate was my romantic relationship. Figure out if that is where I needed to be. After trying to work out the 'issues' we realized it was not where I needed to be, at least right now. I read the following on blogs this past week and I felt they speak to where I am right now. Looking for happiness, love, and more... " Let's face it: Sometimes we want the relationship more than we want the man. We want someone to buy us a ring, put us on a pedestal and be our "plus one"." " What I would wish for all of the ladies is to check their math to make sure they don't short themselves their happiness, dignity...